The Torah offers profound wisdom on how to guide our children through the verse, "Chanoch l’naar al pi darko"—"Train a child according to his way" (Proverbs 22:6). This simple phrase carries a timeless lesson for all parents: every child is unique, and effective parenting means recognizing and nurturing that individuality. The goal is not to mold children into a predetermined image, but to guide them toward their fullest potential, based on their natural talents, temperament, and strengths.
Each child comes into this world with their own unique purpose. Just as no two people have the same mission in life, no two children should be raised in exactly the same way. G-d gave each of us different gifts, different inclinations, and different paths. The wisdom of "Chanoch l’naar" teaches us to be sensitive to those differences, to recognize the uniqueness in each child and guide them accordingly. Some children are naturally curious and independent, while others thrive on structure, guidance, and reassurance. Some are intellectual, others are emotional. Some love to move, and others are content to sit quietly with a book. The task of a parent is to understand those differences, not to erase them, and help each child grow in a way that feels authentic and meaningful to them.
Imagine two siblings—one child is creative and sensitive, drawn to art and music, needing emotional support and encouragement. The other is logical and disciplined, thriving on puzzles and problem-solving, preferring tasks that challenge their intellect. If a parent insists on treating them exactly the same, pushing both toward the same activities and expecting them to excel in identical ways, it could stifle their natural growth. The child who loves art may become frustrated if they’re forced into rigid academic paths, and the logical child might feel overwhelmed by emotional demands that don’t come naturally to them. But when a parent respects and nurtures the individual nature of each child, they are planting the seeds for deep confidence and self-worth. They are saying, "You are exactly as G-d made you, and I am here to help you grow in your own special way."
Too often, we as parents fall into the trap of focusing on fixing weaknesses rather than nurturing strengths. We see where a child struggles, and we zoom in on those areas, worrying about how they will cope with those challenges. But Chanoch l’naar teaches us a different approach. True success as a parent isn’t found in making our children into someone they are not. It’s found in helping them become the fullest version of who they already are. It’s about seeing the gifts they’ve been given and helping them use those gifts to find their place in the world.
Let’s consider a child who excels in music but struggles in math. If the parent spends all their energy pushing the child to improve in math, constantly pointing out the deficiencies and drilling them on their weaknesses, the child may begin to feel inadequate, as though their natural strengths don’t matter. While it’s important to encourage growth in areas of challenge, the Torah teaches us to celebrate what makes each child special. We are meant to focus not only on where they need improvement, but on where they already shine. Imagine instead a parent who acknowledges the child’s difficulties with math but spends more time celebrating their love of music, helping them grow their talents and showing them that their gifts have value. The child will develop a deep sense of self-worth, knowing that they are appreciated for who they truly are.
This doesn’t mean there is no place for discipline or boundaries. On the contrary, discipline is essential, but it too must be in line with the child’s nature. G-d disciplines us not with harshness, but with a loving hand, guiding us toward growth with patience and compassion. When we discipline our children, it should never be about punishment for punishment’s sake. It should be about helping them understand consequences, teaching them responsibility, and guiding them to become the best version of themselves. The discipline that works for one child might not work for another. One child might need gentle correction, while another might respond to clear, firm boundaries. The Torah’s guidance is that we discipline with love, with an understanding of the child’s individual needs, and always with the goal of helping them grow.
What Chanoch l’naar ultimately teaches us is that parenting is not a one-size-fits-all endeavor. It’s a journey of discovering who our children are and guiding them on their unique path. It’s about seeing them the way G-d sees them—each one precious and distinct, each one created with purpose. We are entrusted with the sacred responsibility of raising them according to their way, not ours. By doing this, we give them the tools to become confident, fulfilled individuals who know their worth and can contribute to the world in the way only they can.
This is not just good parenting—it is Torah-based parenting. It is seeing each child as G-d sees them, and helping them walk the path that was meant for them. And in doing so, we fulfill our own mission, as parents, to bring more light into the world through the beautiful souls we are raising.
Comments