Starting slow
Many times someone jumps into Torah and wants to take on all observances all at once, but it is crucial to realize the danger of jumping in the deep end before learning what swimming is.
When a person turns his life upside down before he builds the strength to support his new life, then when the initial excitement wears off, or when the first trial comes to him, he will fall.
We understand that a baby cannot walk until he develops leg strength and balance to do so. If we stand him up on his feet at the first breath of air saying, “come on, you’re now a human, let’s go!” then the baby will surely fall. Likewise as an example, someone who decides to keep Sabbath fully will soon find it overwhelming and difficult. Start small and grow into more things.
The Torah is not an all-or-nothing. Every little bit counts and you are suppose to grow in Torah. When it comes to making money, people appreciate every dollar and no one says, “If I can’t be a millionaire today, then I’ll remain homeless.” The same holds true for the commands of G-d. Every command is priceless and valuable, but just because we haven’t taken hold of every single command doesn’t mean we aren’t doing great. There is no way we can estimate or fathom the great heavenly reward of keeping just one minute of Sabbath.
So whatever a person takes on is worth-while. If you want to start keeping Sabbath and feel inspired to do so, then start with Friday nights only. Light a candle before sunset, and say a prayer, have a meal with Kiddish. After a few weeks or months, extend sabbath to Saturday morning as well. Learn more about the laws and the beauty of Sabbath. It should be a positive experience which bonds you for life to the Torah and G-d’s people.
Creating moving boundaries
How does one tackle the extremely large task of gaining total control over his entire body, desires, and urges?
R'Yaakov Galinsky says that control is only a matter of boundaries. There is a concept called "beneath the ways of nature". This means that every person has a line of what he will not cross or stoop to.
In Gittin 47a, there is a story about a man who was captured by a cannibalistic tribe. The tribe would never devour anyone without granting a last/final request. He requested that they tie themselves up and let him hit each one. He then used a heavy weight and killed all of them. To outsiders, people think "how could they be so foolish?!" But to the tribe, it was incomprehensible and too far beneath them to not grant a last request. It was beneath their nature
If you train yourself so you do not cross a line under any circumstances, you have put it below your nature. You must strive to move your boundaries, putting more things beneath you and setting higher and higher standards for yourself to reach the greatest heights.
When you have a boundary, you want it to be a size that you are able to manage and protect. If your boundary is too large, it is prone to being attacked without your knowledge. For example, if you aim to do too much (set standards too high) and also don't put anything "beneath you". Then your territory is massive, how easily will your high standards be lost while you are still watching after the things that should have been outside your boundary and beneath you?
Living in a dream
Exile started with a dream, a vision from G-d, and it’s no coincidence that exile itself feels like a dream. In dreams, conflicting and contradictory situations coexist. My wife once told me that she had a dream where she had just met me that day and we were on our first date, yet we were driving in our car we bought together, and riding with all four of our kids sitting in the backseat, and we went to dinner and paid using our shared bank account. In the dream, this was logical, each moment of the dream was it’s own isolated event, but when she woke up and was able to view the dream as a whole, nothing made sense. How is it that the kids we had together for 10 years were in our backseat and they were all “our” kids in the dream, yet we just met that day? Impossible!
If you were to pull back the veil on your life, you’d see a very different view of your spirit. Away from the presence of G-d, our lives often seem confusing. We act inconsistent, with evil and good deeds existing in the same person. We are like a single river which alternates between flowing salt water and fresh water dependent on what we are doing at that precise moment. Within this ‘dream’ it this makes sense to us.
Living this spiritually contradictory life and reflecting on it leads many to believe we are being dishonest with ourselves and that the connection we have with G-d is a mirage. We know He exists, and yet our attempts to get closer feel like running across the globe in an effort to reach the sun.
It’s important to live as consistent as possible, much like there is no dream that is perfectly consistent and logical, we too will fail at keeping our exiled selves in a state of perfection. But a righteous person is one who falls down 7 times and gets up 8. We shouldn’t get discouraged because of small lapses in judgement in the past, we should focus on the here and the now. G-d gave us an amazing tool of repentance which removes that inconsistency from us. Through repentance, our misdeeds are repaired and only our good deeds remain.
The proper mindset
It's easy to shift our behavior in front the audience we have. For example, someone who uses swear words often may find it easy to hold back in front of children. Or someone who enjoys talking about his adventures behind closed doors may find it easy to refrain telling his mother about them. To illustrate this further;
A rabbi was laying on his deathbed, and his students came to him for a final blessing. They said to him, "Master bless us." He said to them, "May it be that your fear of God be as great as your fear of men." His disciples said to him, "Is that all? Should we not fear God more than we fear men?" He answered, "If only you could do THAT much! When a man wants to commit a sin he is afraid of men and says... "I hope no one will see me!" But he is not afraid that God sees him. - b.Berachot 28b
It isn't easy to remember who our audience is, but if we practice it becomes easier with time. Did you fail to remember your audience in the morning? Strengthen yourself once more and remember in the afternoon!
Another good way to approach every situation is to think of yourself as being on a perfectly balanced scale in front of the throne of G-d with the exact same amount of good deeds to misdeeds. If the scale tips even the slightest amount from the weight of good deeds, then you are considered righteous on the scales of heaven! If the scale tips even the slightest amount from the weight of misdeeds, then you are considered wicked on the scales of heaven.
When you remember to have this mindset, you will easily be able to master every situation. When the opportunity to do good deeds or misdeeds come into your life, you will rush to do good deeds and flee from misdeeds! The scale is a feather away from either direction!
Whatever the righteous undertake to do, they carry out with haste; of Avraham it is written (Bereishis 18:6-7) Avraham ran into the tent to Sarah, and he said: ‘Hurry and prepare 3 se’ahs of meal, fine flour, knead it and bake cakes’. And Abraham ran to the cattle and fetched a calf. (Genesis 18:6-7) - Mesillas Yesharim 7:16
When a person believes he is righteous and the scales are heavily in his favor, he may believe he can afford to do some sin. When a person believes he is wicked and the scales are heavily against him, he will say, “this too will not affect the outcome” and may be eternally discouraged from doing good because it is too far away from him.
In reality, we have a G-d who is gracious and loving, all the good deeds are stacked on the scale and permanently fixed to it, but all of our misdeeds can be removed with repentance. But even immediately after repentance, and the scales are entirely in our favor, have the mindset of being one deed away and you will do well. You’ll be living consistently in action. You’ll be taking steps in the right direction, on the path that leads to life.
Things to remember
Every time that a person performs a good deed, his inheritance is more than any angel can fathom. Like fingers on an instrument can easily perform without much effort by a trained musician due to muscle memory, so too does the mind work in a similar fashion. The more you practice, the more natural it becomes and eventually becomes part of a natural and joyful experience. You no longer need to look at the worksheet and notes to remember how to do it, you just pick up the instrument and do it. The only difference is what instrument you are playing. Is it your tongue in your speech? Is it your hands in your charity?
There's a story I once heard that the Rebbe told. Two kids who were not religious once paid a visit to the local rabbi. They recently decided that they wanted to be more religious but felt discouraged by how far they had to go to be equal to their peers or make up for their lack of religious past. The path ahead seemed daunting. The rabbi asked them both a simple question: "Suppose a tzadik (incredibly righteous person) and yourself are on ladders that lead to heaven. Who is higher up on the ladder?" The two boys looked at each other confused by such a simple question and answered "obviously the tzadik is much higher! We are still on the bottom rung!" The rabbi shook his head and replied, "To an infinite G-d, height is immaterial. The one who is 'higher' is the one who is moving in the correct direction: Up. Speed and time make no difference to an infinite G-d, only direction. If the tzaddik takes one step down, that is the wrong direction. But if you take one step up, that is the correct direction and to G-d you are now 'higher' than the tzadik.
Lay some groundwork, practice until it becomes natural, and then build even more on top of it. It doesn’t matter how small of a step you take, as long as you remember to keep taking steps forward. And if you catch yourself in error (falling on the path), performing a misdeed even after you told yourself you would never do it again, do not be discouraged. Scriptures call us to persevere! G-d knows we aren't perfect, which is why we have repentance; to repair the broken parts of our relationship.
for the righteous falls seven times and rises again, but the wicked stumble in times of calamity. Proverbs 24:16
Why seven? Because seven represents all of creation. A righteous person can fall on every day of his “creation”, but the important thing to remember is that it’s the righteous who keep getting up after falling. It’s the righteous who persevere.
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