The yetzer hara (evil inclination) puts more effort into certain things than others, and it's different for each person. One person may be persuaded more by bacon and jealousy, while another is persuaded more by idolatry and fornication.
One of the easier ways to fall into your evil inclination is due to the over-saturation of evil. The world can normalize a particular sin so much that we become numb to it. Whether it is national holidays that celebrate ancient pagan customs or a low standard of sexual morality within a community that diminishes our view of modesty.
In Exodus 32, the people, who feared G-d and were just saved from Egyptian slavery by way of numerous miracles, gathered together with their elders and built a golden calf. But surely, their hearts were in the right place, for it says they did it to honor G-d (Exodus 32:5). But this was a direct violation of what G-d commanded. We can see how they rationalized the normality of what they saw in Egypt (idol worship), and how they twisted it to fit their own desire of how one can worship G-d. All commands must stem from a heart to G-d, but it doesn't mean that we are given the ability to negate the commands for the sake of our heart.
What would be modest 100 years ago is now labeled as an oddity today. What would have been considered a blatant violation of Deuteronomy 12:4, "Do not worship G-d in the way the pagans worship their gods" is now a common practice and endorsed by church leaders. The story of Rav Ashi comes to mind and how many people fall into the lures or the evil inclination without realizing it because of the over-saturation.
Rav Ashi once told his students that the following day he would teach them about three evil kings. When he went to bed that night, one of the kings came to him in a dream and challenged him in his knowledge of Torah laws. Rav Ashi was extremely impressed by the evil king's knowledge. During the course of their conversation, Rav Ashi asked, “If you are so wise, why did you serve idols?” -- He replied, “If you would have been there in my day, you would have followed me to serve idols as well, and you would have picked up the bottom of your coat so you could run faster!”
A Self-Judge
A person cannot be objective and unbiased when judging his own behaviors, so why is it that we refuse to accept judgment from people whose behavior is equally violating? If someone says something is a violation, we seek affirmation from those who also do what we do, how foolish is that? Does a murderer ask another murderer if he is in the wrong? Of course not! Why do we seek validation from guilty peers rather than asking a Torah scholar who knows the laws? Torah prohibits a man from presiding as a judge if he is a relative of the parties or prejudiced in any way, how much more are we creating excuses for our behaviors and judging ourselves with more grace than others?
You may have lied about something but said it was nothing major, and yet someone else is blowing the lie out of proportion. You know it was wrong, but anyone in your shoes would have done the same thing… But someone else lies to you, you blow it out of proportion and say the other person knew it was wrong and that’s all that matters.
We serve as judges in our relationships. These biases have an impact on our actions and feelings towards the people around us. We need to constantly question whether the choice to judge someone harshly or pleasantly is the result of a prejudiced mind.
Rebuking with Love
Do we let friends and family get away with things we don’t let strangers get away with? Do we let strangers get away with things we don’t let family get away with? Do you show mercy and forgiveness to a spouse, yet treat your colleagues with different judgement?
With the measure you use, it will be measured to you--and even more. - Mark 4:24
We are called to rebuke others righteously, but there is a method in which we need to abide by if we are to do it correctly.
1. Take the plank out of your own eye
A commonly misquoted verse is, "Remove the plank in your own eye before taking the speck out of your fellow's eye." It's often used incorrectly to mean, before you tell anyone not to sin, you need to be perfectly blameless in everything. What is overlooked is that both the plank and the speck are of the same substance. The core of the message is to not be a hypocrite. Do not approach someone with an addiction while you yourself have a greater addiction and say "You're wrong! You need to repent!". That does more damage than good because they will say, "Me? Look at you! I'm righteous in comparison."
2. Put yourself in their shoes
Remember that everyone has their own struggles. While this person's struggles may be overindulgence in alcohol, this does not negate their depression or reasons for wanting to overindulge. We cannot know everything that has happened in their past or their reasons for the present day desires. Are we rationalizing with ourselves? Are we coping with something? Why are we doing this? These kinds of questions will allow us to be more sympathetic to the situation. No one on this walk wants to do misdeeds for the sake of evil, so any evil done must be a terrible struggle within them, or perhaps they just don't realize it - but that judgement call is not ours to presume.
3. Approach them in private
Make sure others are not nearby to overhear. You could cause anyone overhearing to view the person differently or even bring shame to the person you are talking to. No one desires the feeling of rebuke, and if you are truly putting yourself in their shoes, you would go about rebuking in a better manner than you yourself would want. Imagine yourself as a servant going to talk to a king. Would you, a servant, address the king and tell him his flaws in a public setting? G-d forbid!
4. Speak softly
Everyone should use the softest approach possible to such situations. Use the kindest words and manners possible to convey the message. Use words to convey concern for their welfare, and make them feel understood and supported (place yourself in their shoes). Facial expressions, body language, gestures, and non-verbal cues can also “communicate” your true intent. Remember to approach the situation in an act of humility, truly consider yourself and your position in this world and the next to be far lower than theirs. You want them to succeed and do greater things as one who is far greater than you - and in your mind, their standard is much higher than yours. Do not be degrading and approach them as if you just want them to live up to your standards where you placed the bar for yourself.
5. Listen
This is a given. If you are only talking, or you don't really take to heart what their struggle is, then you've done nothing. You haven't helped them at all. You've projected your lofty righteousness over them and demonstrated how you believe yourself to be superior.
Self Reflection
It's easy to get caught up in the ways of the world, especially during a time of exile when we are surrounded by hordes of immorality, but it's important to remember to reflect on whether or not what we are doing is for the glory of G-d or for our own personal pleasure. And often what people don't think of as really being a sin (through rationalization or normalization) is indeed sinful. As an example, the world and media is filled with lashon hara (evil speech), but because what you are doing isn't blatantly 'evil' you don't see an issue with it. It could be a simple "truth" that you feel you had to speak about someone which didn't need to be said, but you rationalized it would be good-to-know information, however, this too is just gossip in disguise. If something as simple as lashon hara can escape us without notice, how many things are we doing that we don't realize? How possible is it that the one we are about to rebuke is not even aware of the ramifications of their actions? Through self-reflection, we can see our own rationalizations and expose our true intents and motivations within ourselves. But it is equally crucial to take the same grace you had towards yourself prior to self-reflection, and extend it to others before rebuking.
If we want to be like G-d and clothe ourselves in His likeness which encompasses love, compassion, grace, and forgiveness - then who are we to demand perfection in areas we succeed yet demand grace and compassion in areas in which we fail? Remember, while we are all on the same walk, we may not be on the same step.
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