Understanding men is like learning a new language. It’s not that men are trying to be difficult, but they often communicate differently from women, especially when it comes to emotions. Men are more physical in their nature—they express themselves through action, through what they do rather than what they say. For men, feelings can be overwhelming, and their instinct isn’t always to talk about them. Instead, they often turn to solving problems or retreating into themselves to find clarity.
Note: This is not about how-to-be a better husband. If you're thinking, "This is adding to my burden" or "where's my appreciation for the things I do?"—that's a red flag. While this article does discuss ways to communicate effectively with your husband and address behavior, it’s not meant as a tool to use against him or yourself. It’s designed to help women communicate more clearly, fostering understanding and connection. The goal is to build healthier dialogue, not to shift blame or keep score.
Imagine a couple where the wife is feeling distant from her husband. She feels he’s emotionally absent, but when she tries to talk to him about it, he withdraws further. She becomes frustrated, feeling like she’s hitting a wall, while he feels like he’s being attacked for something he doesn’t fully understand. Both are trying, but they are speaking different languages.
Men, traditionally, see themselves as providers, protectors. Their role, as they perceive it, is to ensure their family is safe, secure, and provided for. The majority are willing to sacrifice themselves physically for the sake of their families happiness. This mindset makes them more focused on what they do rather than how they feel. Their identity is often wrapped up in their work, their accomplishments, or their ability to "fix" things. This doesn't mean they don’t have deep emotions—they do, but they express love by offering something physical, by solving a problem, or by taking action. If men were to stop physically contributing, they would cease feeling needed. In contrast, women often express love through emotional connection, wanting to talk, to share, to nurture emotionally.
Empathizing with Men
Men often carry burdens they don’t talk about, partly because they feel it’s their duty to shoulder them without causing worry. These stressors often revolve around providing for their families, financial stability, job performance, and the pressure to "fix" everything that goes wrong. Many men internalize these responsibilities, believing that expressing their worries might make them seem weak or inadequate. They may also fear burdening their spouse with issues they feel obligated to solve alone. These stressors often have become such a common burden to them, that they don't know what life would feel like without them. Most men die with these burdens silently without anyone else ever knowing the crushing weight of stress that often times contribute to the fact that men die younger than women on average. In 2010, women outlived men by nearly 5 years, in 2020 it increased to almost 6 years. With an decrease in stability and ability to provide, men's average lifespan also decreases. Often, these are silent burdens, ones that he may look unaffected by but are slowly killing him inside, and unless he feels comfortable with sharing - he will die alone with them.
The Emotional Disconnect
Men often struggle with emotional language, and when faced with an intense emotional conversation, they can feel powerless - they want to move away from the emotion and find a way to act physically. When men receive emotions, they translate the emotional language into physical response. If a woman tells a man she’s unhappy, his mind immediately starts looking for ways to "fix" the problem in the physical, because in his world, that’s how you show you care. But if she wants to just be heard and doesn’t need a solution right away, he might not know how to respond. He can feel lost, or worse, like he’s failing.
A woman might say, "I just want to talk," but a man hears, "I need you to solve this." So, he either tries to fix it—leading her to feel like he’s dismissing her emotions—or he shuts down, feeling frustrated and inadequate. To him, there’s no clear solution, and if he can't fix the problem, it’s hard to engage in a conversation that seems to have no resolution. Additionally, when he hears "stop trying to fix it", he translates this into "it doesn't matter what you do, you are not good enough to help me."
It might be hard as a woman to understand this because the physical response is a different language. To help with this language barrier, we can swap the physical for the emotional and reverse the roles. Imagine your husband comes home and you can tell he has had a long day. You then ask "whats wrong", he explains the problems in his day and his stressors, to which you respond "I'm so sorry, that sounds really frustrating." In your mind, you think you are comforting him, but what if he were to respond, "dont try to comfort me. I just want you to fix it. Stop trying to be there emotionally everytime I have a problem. Do something!" How would that feel?
Helping Men Engage in Conversation
To get a man to engage in conversation, especially about feelings, the environment matters. He’s more likely to open up when he feels relaxed and not pressured. Sometimes, conversations happen best during an activity—taking a walk, driving somewhere, doing something with his hands. The physical movement can make the emotional conversation feel less intense, and he’ll be more comfortable sharing. Immerse him in an activity with you to get the most meaningful discussions with the ability to break away as needed. But don't ambush him either (putting him in the defensive). A great way to do this might be asking if he would like to talk, but also include a project of some kind that would bring joy. For example, "I got some paints and a canvas, and I thought it would be hilarious if we tried painting eachother's portraits, but I really want to hear about how your day has been and if there is anything I can help with, want to do paint while we talk?"
What Men Want
Now, most men know that their spouse's response won't be a physical call to action, and so most men don't talk about their problems to their spouses - what would be the point? But the times they do discuss the issues, you'll notice that they frame it in a way to first explain how hard they are working or how much effort they are putting in. This is because they are looking for a valid reception of their physical response.
Men want to feel respected. It’s at the core of who they are. They want to know that they are doing a good job—whether that’s as a husband, father, or worker. Criticism can hit them hard, especially when they don’t understand where it’s coming from. Men don’t need constant praise, but they do need to feel that what they do is noticed and appreciated. When a woman shows appreciation for his efforts, it validates his role as a provider and protector, and he feels loved in a way that resonates with him.
Remember, their role and self-perceived value come from their role as a "giver", but a giver without positive reception will be understood as being a terrible giver. They could make a billion dollars, have every luxury in the world, and be nominated the 'hardest working man', but unless he knows his 'giving' is valued, he will feel as useful as a jar of dirt.
The Art of Correction
But what if what your husband "gives" is not correct? What if you want it to change? This is a very difficult path for most women to navigate. On one hand, you want his behavior to change or improve, but on the other hand you don't want him to feel the pain of thinking his contribution is not good enough.
When it comes to helping men grow or correct behavior, timing and approach are everything. Men generally don’t respond well to criticism that feels like an attack, especially when it’s delivered in the heat of frustration. Telling a man, "You never listen to me," or "You’re always like this," puts him on the defensive. He hears it as a judgment of his character, and that can shut him down emotionally. The "never" and "always" statements imply that he (as a giver) is always giving poorly or never good enough. From his view, you are hyperfixated on his flaws and he has nothing good to offer to you.
A better way is to approach it from a place of partnership. Instead of saying, "You don’t care about how I feel," try, "I know you care, but I feel like we aren’t connecting right now. Can we talk about it?" This invites him into the conversation rather than accusing him. It shows that you value him but also need his help. Men respond much better to requests for help than to demands for change. It plays into their instinct to protect and solve, but now they’re doing it for something that feels like a team effort, not just to avoid criticism.
Think about focusing on working as a team with him as the leader. You approach him with a problem, but give him the ability to 'give' solutions to help. You can help him refine those solutions as his personal counsel and helpmate. You can say, "That's a great idea, and it would make me feel so appreciated!" or "Would you mind if we worked on solutions together?" allowing him to feel as though you truly want to help and be part of his team.
The worst thing you can do is make him feel as if he is a poor giver, or think you are a poor receiver. If he thinks he is a poor giver, he will become drained of hope and view himself as worthless. If he thinks you are a poor receiver, it is because he thinks he is appreciated by everyone except you - leading to a very unhappy marriage or divorce.
Getting Help
When you want to get help, start with appreciation. Let him know what he’s doing right, and then mention an issue you have (not an issue you have with him). He will know if it's something he needs to do himself. If he feels like the conversation is only about what’s wrong or a personal attack, he’ll be less likely to engage.
Incorrect: "I love how hard you work for this family, but you really need to help with laundry.I keep asking but you never do it and I'm really frustrated."
What he hears:"You work hard, but not hard enough. You aren't doing what I want, no matter how much I try to make you useful, you are useless." He will want to shut down. He will believe it doesn't matter how hard he works, it will never be enough. He will stop engaging in conversation, and slowly start distancing himself from you.
Correct: "I love how hard you work for this family, but I'm struggling to get laundry done. Can you help me figure out a solution to make it easier for me?"
What he hears:"You are a superhero in my eyes. I look up to you and need your help!" In turn, he will most likely not just help with laundry, but also try to come up with creative ways to make laundry easier for both of you. He will find a better washer and dryer, a faster folding method, he'll learn a new skill.
Afterwards, be sure to reiterate how much you appreciate his efforts. He needs a positive reception of his physical contribution for him to believe he is actually valued to you. Remind him how much value this brings to you, eventually it will become a habit. And need less maintenance. But mark a calendar and remind yourself to thank him again for it in the future. He will remember that gratefulness and positive reception every time he does it.
I Love vs I Hate
Men thrive on feeling capable and appreciated, especially in their roles as husbands, fathers, and providers. When they sense respect and value from those around them, they are more likely to open up emotionally and invest deeper into the relationship. They need to know that their efforts matter, and when their contributions are met with support rather than harsh correction, they feel empowered to grow within the relationship.
One powerful way to foster this sense of appreciation is by using “I love” language instead of “I hate” language. The words we choose shape the emotional atmosphere around us, either pulling people closer or pushing them away.
When we focus on “I love” language, we create an environment filled with positivity, gratitude, and acceptance. This naturally draws people closer because they feel appreciated and safe. For example, imagine someone who frequently says, “I love how cozy this room feels,” or “I love spending time with you.” These simple statements create warmth, encouraging others to want to be near and to contribute to that joy. It’s a magnetic quality—people want to be around those who radiate love and appreciation.
On the other hand, “I hate” language—like “I hate how cluttered this place is” or “I hate when you don’t listen”—creates emotional distance. Even if the intent is to correct a problem, this negativity causes people to retreat, especially men. As natural givers, men are drawn to contribute where their efforts are noticed and valued. If all they hear is what’s wrong, they may feel like their giving is inadequate, and over time, this discourages emotional closeness. It’s important to recognize that simply reducing hate doesn’t lead to love—love grows through active appreciation, not just problem-solving.
Adding a personal touch to our language can deepen its impact. When you personalize "I love" statements, you strengthen the connection. For instance, saying, “I love how you make me feel appreciated when you help around the house” ties the person’s actions directly to something positive and meaningful. The more specific the appreciation, the more valuable it becomes because it shows you are recognizing their unique contribution.
Conversely, personalizing “I hate” language can be particularly harmful. Phrases like, “I hate when you never listen” or “I hate when you do this” connect the negative emotion of hate directly with the person, not just their behavior. This can feel like a personal attack on their character rather than feedback on an action. When men hear this, they often internalize it as, “I am not good enough,” which leads to emotional withdrawal and defensiveness.
Remember, men are 'givers' and want to give to something that grows in love and appreciation. Personalized criticism, especially in the form of “I hate” language, can make them feel like their efforts are not only unappreciated but actively rejected. If the only feedback they receive is negative, they may feel that no matter what they give, it won’t be enough, leading to discouragement. Ultimately, it will lead to a desire to give up and stop trying because logically, they assume their abilities are not good enough to achieve success.
On the other hand, personalizing love builds a sense of worth. For example, saying, “I love how you always find a way to make me smile” connects their presence with feelings of love and appreciation, making them feel valued. When men hear that their contributions are making a positive difference, they are motivated to give even more. Love grows through positive reinforcement, while simply avoiding hate leaves the relationship stagnant.
Consider a household example. Instead of saying, “I hate that you never do the laundry,” try, “I love when we work together to keep things running smoothly—it makes me feel so supported.” This shift from hate to love avoids blame, invites collaboration, and nurtures a stronger connection. By focusing on “I love” language, you’re not just eliminating negative emotions—you’re actively increasing positive, loving feelings, which naturally draws people closer.
Ultimately, when men constantly hear what their partner loves, they are inspired to give more, knowing their efforts are appreciated. Love expands when it’s acknowledged, creating a deeper sense of connection and value for both partners.
Navigating the Conversations
In the below flow charts for conversation, you'll notice a trend of "pause for 7 seconds". Men sometimes need a moment to gather their thoughts before speaking again because they process information internally and prefer to organize their ideas before responding. This pause helps them communicate more clearly and thoughtfully. However, if they’re interrupted during this process, it can feel like their contribution isn’t valued or respected, leading them to think you don’t care about what they’re trying to say, which can create frustration or disconnect in the conversation. When you pause (and count to 7 in your head), it also shows that you're genuinely absorbing what they’ve shared, which can make them feel heard and respected. Men often express themselves to offer solutions or convey something important, so giving space after they speak allows them to feel that their thoughts are being considered, not just reacted to. It also gives you a moment to understand their intention fully and respond thoughtfully, which can foster a more constructive and respectful dialogue.
Listening to him share a story or interest
Men often share stories, facts, or things that interest them as a way to connect and show value through what they know or experience. They hope to be understood, appreciated, or to spark a meaningful conversation, as sharing can be their way of giving or contributing to the relationship. By telling you, they're seeking connection, validation, or perhaps even admiration, hoping to build rapport or demonstrate care.
Correcting behavior or requesting help
When a man receives correction, especially from his spouse, it can sometimes feel like a challenge to his competence or sense of leadership, which might trigger defensiveness. He may interpret it as a lack of appreciation or trust, even if the intention was to be helpful. To navigate this, it’s important to approach him with respect and sensitivity, framing the correction in a way that acknowledges his efforts and avoids making him feel diminished. This helps maintain his sense of value in the relationship while addressing the issue constructively.
When he is trying to correct something
When a man is trying to correct someone, especially his spouse, he often feels like he's being helpful and trying to solve a problem or improve a situation. His objective is usually to fix something he sees as out of alignment, whether it's practical or relational, and he believes this will benefit both parties. However, his goal is not to criticize or diminish the other person, though it may unintentionally come across that way if he focuses too much on the issue and not enough on how the message is received emotionally. When he is met combatively while expressing a desire for change, he will associate you with the problem. He is trying to tackle the problem, are you on his side or the enemy's side (joining forced with the problem)?
Conclusion
In the end, building a stronger connection with your husband comes down to understanding how he communicates and appreciating the unique ways he expresses love and care. By using "I love" language rather than "I hate" language, you create an atmosphere of appreciation that invites him to give more and feel valued in the relationship. Empathy, patience, and a focus on partnership will help bridge emotional gaps, allowing both partners to feel more connected. Remember, men want to contribute to something that grows in love, and with the right communication and support, you can nurture a deeper, more fulfilling relationship.